


The Gadfly

by THRILLHO



Series: Bright Lights, Eight Nights of Broten [1]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Gen, Humor, Men don't know female anatomy, Not really shippy at all, Out of Character, Relationship tag is quite misleading, Saiyan Biology, Saiyan Culture, Saiyan Instincts, Silly af, This Is STUPID, Vegeta is an idiot, makes no sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27986454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/THRILLHO/pseuds/THRILLHO
Summary: Silly one-shot regarding Vegeta's misunderstanding of female Saiyan biology. Ridiculousness and OOC-ness full steam ahead!
Relationships: Bulla Briefs/Son Goten
Series: Bright Lights, Eight Nights of Broten [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049801
Comments: 10
Kudos: 12





	The Gadfly

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Chanukah! I've wanted to do this for a few years and have a Bulla/Goten piece for each night of the festival of lights! No, these won't be Chanukah related; expect separate stand-alone one-shots with no cohesive theme for each night!
> 
> Take this as is, probably not my best. I challenged myself here by avoiding using adverbs and passive voice. According to Hemingwayapp, I may have actually succeeded.
> 
> If you came here to read something meaningful that made sense, look away! This isn't for you and you’ll have more fun if you don’t put much thought into what you’re reading.

“I’ve gathered you three here for one purpose!” 

Vegeta was ranting and pacing about the Capsule Corp living room, hunched with his arms clasped behind his back and taking breaks to mutter to himself. Even his dad who could never keep himself from toning down dire situations, sat still in his seat, clenching the fabric of his pants in repeated motions. 

“And one purpose only!” Vegeta growled out. He never faced the Son men gathered on the couch when he spoke. He did his best to avoid addressing them at all. The man cursed at some unknown entity. Sometimes it was near the wall, the ceiling, or floor, but never where Goten and his father and brother sat.

Goten didn’t know why Vegeta brought them there. If he had to guess, Goku and Gohan had no idea either. They looked as clueless as Goten felt. Whatever it was must be serious. Still, Goten found it strange that Vegeta would gather the three of them in an emergency and not Trunks.  _ Where is Trunks? _ He thought to himself. 

It was a spontaneous grab for all three of them. Goku was in his farming gear, dirt underneath his nails and sweat on his brow; Vegeta gave him no time to change or clean up. While Gohan appeared in a tie and one of his dorky sweaters, clutching disheveled papers. 

Vegeta did not elaborate but continued his muttering and pacing, leaving Gohan—the only one brave enough—to ask, “Um, Vegeta? What is the purpose?”

Vegeta stopped moving to cast an incredulous stare at Gohan. “What purpose?” He let out a maniacal laugh. “What purpose!” Goten started to relax some. There was no emergency, they were witnessing Vegeta’s mental breakdown. He figured it would happen with Bulma in outer space for a few months. Though he had not expected it to take only a few days.

“Don’t you hear it?” Vegeta asked them, his suspicious eyes darting back and forth. They would not have heard anything over Vegeta’s stomping and raving. “Shhh!” Vegeta commanded them with a finger to his lips. Goten inched closer to what he did not know, but he listened for whatever Vegeta was hearing, the voices in his head Goten suspected.

“Where is that banging coming from?” Gohan was the first one to hear it. Goten tried to listen for it too now that he knew what he was listening for and soon, there it was, quite faint, the sound of something heavy hitting sheets of metal...

“I locked her in the gravity room but it can’t be me. No! It definitely cannot be me.” Vegeta went back to talking to himself. “It has to be one of you!” He pointed his finger at the men on the couch.

There was only one  _ her  _ Vegeta could have locked in the gravity room. 

“Vegeta,” Gohan said, drawing the older Saiyan’s attention to him. “Did you lock Bulla in your training room?” 

“Of course!” The man was impatient. “What else was I supposed to do?”

_ Not lock her in the gravity chamber? _ Goten thought but dared not speak it aloud.

“Why did you need to lock her in your training room?” Gohan continued to question him, his tone steady and slow in a fruitless attempt to keep Vegeta calm.

“Because she’s going insane!” Vegeta dropped to his knees and gripped his hair. Gohan, the only one foolish enough to take pity on the man, knelt beside him and put a hand on his back which Vegeta threw off immediately. 

Goten was not concerned about Vegeta, his concern was for Bulla and he wasn’t going to keep his mouth shut. “What’s wrong with Bulla, is everything okay?” He would hate to think of anything happening to her.

“No! I told you! She’s going insane!”

Figuring he wasn’t going to get a straight answer from Vegeta, Goten tried another, more proactive approach. “Okay, we’re all here, how can we help?”

“Yes...yes…” Vegeta said under his breath before livening up. “You! She likes you!”

“Anything we can do to help,” Gohan assured him. “But first we need to know, is she in immediate danger?”

“Yes! We need to act fast! I don’t know how much time she has left! You must decide amongst yourselves! I’d do it myself but it would be wrong! So wrong!”

“Okay, okay!” Goten began to panic. “What do we need to do?”

“Get children on her!”

That was a record scratch moment if there ever was one.

“No, Vegeta!” Gohan stepped back, his face bright red either from shame or anger. “None of us are going to do that!” 

“I don’t get it,” Goku spoke for the first time. “Why does Bulla need us to grab some kids and put them on her?”

No one saw the punch coming until Goku’s head whipped back and blood spurted from his nose. “Ow! What was that for, Vegeta?!” Goku yelled.

“That felt great,” Vegeta said as he looked at his bloodied gloved fist. He addressed them again, some sanity returned to him, “My daughter is experiencing estrous for the first time. In Saiyans, it can drive the female insane if she is not fertilized. Though I hate the possibility, I need a man I can trust.”

The weight of what Vegeta said fell deep into Goten’s gut, knocking him back to his seat on the couch. It was a part of Saiyan biology he never knew. Why did no one see this coming?

“Vegeta, are you sure? From what I know of estrous, menstrual cycles, and primates…my own daughter...” Gohan trailed off embarrassed, rubbing the back of his neck, “Pan is older and she’s never—”

Too late, Gohan was the next recipient of Vegeta’s killer jab to the nose with the added benefit of broken glasses. “You idiot! I learned this from the last Saiyan who would know this information! As a boy, Nappa provided me all the knowledge he could!” Vegeta was back at ranting, punching Gohan did not have the same effect for him as punching Goku.

“Then I’m sure we can all agree who it has to be,” Gohan said, placing a hand on his father’s shoulders. The two shared a look and nodded. Goten let out a breath, glad that they figured it out. He was still worried about Bulla but at least the responsibility wouldn’t be on him. The next he would hear of it was that Bulla was safe and well.

“Goten.”

“Goten.”

Goku and Gohan spoke one after the other before disappearing into thin air, his father with his instant transmission technique in his back pocket. Goten didn’t have time to register the betrayal before Vegeta grabbed him by the scruff of his collar and dragged him kicking and screaming to the gravity room where he could hear the clatter and banging getting louder and more violent. The walls and ground were shaking as if this concentrated area was being barraged with earthquakes. The worst of it was coming from by the door.

“NO! NO! NO!” Goten screamed as Vegeta brought him closer. Goten tried to claw himself free but he was nothing compared to Vegeta’s godlike strength. He loved the girl, but he couldn’t do  _ that _ with her and he wasn’t ready to be a father either.

“Calm down,” Vegeta ordered. “Nappa told me once you get a scent of her you won’t be able to resist yourself. You’ll have to stick around, of course. My daughter will not raise a child alone.” Vegeta waited until the banging retreated further from the entrance to the gravity chamber before keying in the code as fast as he could, tossing Goten in, and locking the door once again.

Goten landed in a crumpled heap, disoriented. He did not bother to look back towards Bulla once he gathered his bearings. Instead, he readied himself to beat down the door but he stopped himself. Vegeta wasn’t doing this to torture him; he did it to save Bulla and Goten would too.

He turned around with shut eyes to face the inner parts of the circular room, where Bulla was. He kept his eyes shut waiting for the scent to hit him. He hoped it would be an out of body experience and he wouldn’t be present for it but all he could smell was the regular soft vanilla and cinnamon scent of Bulla’s natural odor underneath the sweat of her exertion. He dared to peek only to see Bulla standing there as calm as ever.

Feeling confident his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him, he opened his field of vision to look around the room first. There were dents littered throughout the walls and ceilings and cracks and splits along the floor. When he looked back at Bulla expecting to see a raging monster, all he saw was a girl sitting cross-legged on the floor holding her head in her hands. Upon closer inspection, however, Goten could see her stretched and torn clothes, her hair tangled with some strays clinging with sweat to her face.

Goten was no fool, he would need to approach her with caution. Looking calm was not the same as being calm,—not for the daughter of Bulma and Vegeta.

“Is everything alright, Bulla? It’s me, Gooohh-ten,” he sounded out his name and indicated to himself. “You remember me, don’t you?” 

“Huh?” She fixed him with a confused stare but then rolled her eyes. “Stop acting weird,” she said. That did sound like something Bulla would say. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary except for the destroyed room and the fact Vegeta locked them in there.

“So is my dad punishing you too?” Bulla asked. Is that why she thought she was in there?

_ You don’t know the half of it _ , he thought. “You could say that,” Goten said. She didn’t appear to be in the throes of madness but would it come later? Vegeta had not left him with a lot of information. Goten risked getting close to her and reached out to feel her forehead for a second before she slapped his hand away; it felt normal. 

“What did you do?” Bulla finished destroying the gravity room it seemed and she flopped on her back, her hands underneath her head.

“Would you believe nothing?” Goten shook his head and joined her to lay down on the broken floor. He began to think Vegeta was full of shit. 

“I can,” Bulla turned to look at him. “This morning he ate the rest of the pop tarts and only left cherry. Bleh.” She made a face with her tongue sticking out in disgust.

“Oh, I rather like the cherry ones. It’s blueberry I can’t stand.”

“No way! Those are my favorites!”

“We should move in together then. So no one fights over the variety pack.”

She laughed and smiled at him. It was a good sight and a huge weight off his back. “Sounds too good to be true. But what about the strawberry?” she pointed out. “I like those too.”

“Hmmm…” Goten pondered aloud. “Yes, those are my second favorite, but to keep the peace,” he gave a resigned sigh, “I will let you have those too. I’ll be content with my paltry cherry pastries.”

“Deal,” she held out her hand to him. It took some maneuvering but he managed to get his hand from under his side to shake hands while lying down.

“How did that get you stuck in here though?” Goten questioned. The ease of their conversation led him to believe Bulla was fine with no outbursts on the horizon, but there had to be more to it. While a high-strung Vegeta was typical, he would not have gone to such lengths if there was nothing wrong.

“My cycle is due so I lost my shit when I opened the box and saw only cherry while my dad was enjoying  _ several  _ blueberry and strawberry pastries.”

Goten had enough experience with women to know not to get in between her and her treats during that time of the month. It seemed Vegeta did not. “And he locked you up for that?” But how could Vegeta jump from that to Bulla being in heat? “Moreover, why did you let him?”

“I took the opportunity to destroy something he loves.” She motioned with her hands to indicate several spots of the busted up workout room, “Because he destroyed something I love.” She then clenched her open hand into an angry fist.

“Remind me never to get on your bad side, you’re vicious.” Bulla let out unrestrained laughter at his comment.

“I can hack us out of here. Daddy’s not that clever.” Bulla hopped up and went to the keypad to let them out. “How did you end up here though?” she asked as she pulled out wires and reconfigured them with her deft, expert hands.

“He showed up at my office out of the blue. I didn’t notice until a co-worker screamed about an angry floating child outside. Once he saw me, he broke a window and pulled me out,” Goten said, realizing the insanity of the situation. “I’ll have some explaining to do when I get back to the office but I’ll wait a few days and have a mini-vacation. I have a good excuse, after all.”

“I would do the same thing.” Bulla nodded at him in solidarity. “Do you know why he kidnapped you? You must have done something.”

Goten debated whether he should tell her or save her the embarrassment. He still didn’t know whether or not to trust Vegeta’s assessment of the situation and wondered if there was still some risk in letting Bulla out without impregnating her. Not that he was looking for excuses to impregnate her. That was the last thing on his mind.  _ Sure it is... _ his conscience mocked him.

“He said I am one of the men he trusts,” he decided to say. 

“Aw, he trusts you. How adorable.” Bulla put on an insincere smile. “What does it have to do with me?”

Goten grimaced, a sight unmissed by Bulla. “That bad, huh?” she said with sympathy. “Come out with it.”

She had to pry, didn’t she? Goten thought, annoyed. Best to get it out in one shot he figured. “I’m only here because my dad and brother offered me up as a sacrificial lamb,” he started. It was important she knew what cowards his brother and dad were first. “But before that, your dad recruited all three of us because he thinks you’re in heat, as in hot to trot. He led us to believe you were on the brink of insanity if you didn’t...you know...” he couldn’t finish the rest and watched Bulla for her reaction instead but she didn’t even stop to look at him and continued to focus on getting them out.

“Wow, and I thought it was only human males who knew nothing about female anatomy,” she mumbled before connecting two wires causing the door to slide open and revealing the pacing and mumbling Vegeta. He stopped in his tracks upon seeing them.

“That was fast,” he said. “Was the fertilization adequate?” he addressed Goten, not waiting for an answer, before rushing to Bulla. “Are you okay? Are your mental faculties intact?”

“Oh my god, daddy!” she shrieked. “What is wrong with you?! Did you have to—”

“Goten, you and her, back in the chamber,” Vegeta said, shrinking away in fright. “It didn’t work!”

“Daddy, stop!” Bulla warned. “I’m not in heat and we don’t even have estrous cycles!”

“But Nappa said Saiyan females needed intercourse or else they succumbed to mental illness—”

“Uh, what were Nappa’s exact words?” Goten cut him off. If his hunch was correct, Vegeta was a moron.

Vegeta turned grave, “We had stopped on a planet in between missions. It was not often that we spent time on planets with a Frieza-approved civilization and Nappa lamented the loss of Saiyan women whenever we would see females of other species. He confided in Raditz and me, the nature of Saiyan females. He said, ‘When you catch a whiff of a potent female, it’s over. If they don’t get a deep dicking they go crazy. You’d be lucky to come out of that one alive.’”

Goten couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. It caught on and Bulla joined in, leaving a baffled Vegeta.

“What? What’s so funny?” he demanded they tell him.

“I’ll tell you later, daddy, or better yet, go ask Trunks!” Bulla said and directed her father away from them.

Vegeta continued to speak, however, “The scent you gave off—” Goten had not seen Bulla embarrassed throughout the whole ordeal until now when her face turned redder than the filling of the cherry pop tarts she hated. 

“Daddy! No!” She shut him up. “Now go find Trunks so you know why not to do this again!” Goten’s only regret was not being able to be there when Trunks explained Nappa’s words to Vegeta. He would kill to see both men’s reaction to that conversation.

Vegeta glared at Goten and shot a small ki blast at him that whizzed past his ear, missing by a hair, before sulking off and disappearing.

“Why me?” he asked Bulla. “You were the one who yelled at him and destroyed his beloved gravity room.” Goten knew the answer however, Vegeta would never take his anger out on his precious daughter.

“Don’t worry about him, he likes you,” Bulla said and then wrinkled her nose, “But I don’t. I never would have picked you, by the way.”

He could have let that slide but after the day he had…

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” He winked at her. There was no way she would prefer  _ Gohan.  _ “Your dad did say you liked me,” he said.

“Daddy!” she screamed again and stomped off to confront her father.


End file.
